Undesirable

Ever experience wanting something that you can't have unless someone else gives it to you (or it's even better if someone else gives it to you)? Well I am.

The Desirable: Wanting something so badly you'll even ask for it.

The Undesirable: When you ask someone for something so many times but never receive it. You ask and ask and ask and hint and hint and hint but somehow, someway they just dont get the message. Whether you are subtle and sly or unfront and blunt, this person is either avoiding offering you this "thing" or they just don't understand how much you want it.

I am at stage "undesirable" where now I've asked so many times, it is not even desirable. Well...I lied. But still, I don't feel like losing every ounce of my pride to ask again, because I know once I do lose that pride I'll keep asking until I beg, and that's no good. The hardest part is when this "thing" is something that has been given to you previously. Now doesn't it make you wonder why they won't give it to you again? That's when the suspicions arise, especially when you say that is the only thing that you want, that and that alone.

Thinking back on my strategy of trying to attain this "thing" I can't seem to figure out how it became so difficult to have it. Before, it just came with everything else, like when you purchase perfume and you receive extra goodies and samples with it. Now those goodies and samples seem to be "out of stock." Thing is you KNOW that they aren't, so either you don't deserve the samples because your purchase was not big enough or they really do not want to distribute these samples. I'm not sure why they would not want to distribute these samples because they keep you coming back to the store to buy more perfume when you are treated well, I mean customer service is everything (whoa, I'm getting a little carried away with the example)!!!!

The hardest part is when they try to bargain or barter. The only reason I don't seal the deal is because I feel that I should not have to give something to receive something. Every done that? Given someone a Christmas present because you wanted one in return? Now what feeling is worst: a) receiving a present back but it comes no where close to what you gave in terms of value and effort or b) you receive no present at all, selfish bastards.

Never take a "good thing" for granted, 'cause when it's gone...it's gone

Matter Of Time

Probably less than 10 minutes later and I'm back to blogging. Why? Because I can't speak my thoughts but I feel like I can write them. I am playing pretend, or rather I've been playing pretend. A life with no closure and reasoning is a life of no life; this is my life. My mind always drifts back to the days when I was 15 and vivacious. Now I'm 18, miserable and desperately clinging for some sort of "umph" in my life.

I know what I have to do, it's doing it that's the problem. Not for my sake, but for the sake of one. I need strength to do it, but I don't want to lose it all. I have brought this all upon myself and now I know I will have to suffer the consequences. This undeniable fear I have in my gut is not something to sleep off or avoid. It slips into my mind with the rays of the morning and the dew of the night. I will never do this again.

Nothing lasts forever, nothing lasts.

Blame It On The Weather, If We Can't Be Together

Nothing lasts forever, is what I've come to realize over the days, months and years of being alone. Bitter days have turned into brutal nights, having to sleep with myself knowing the past I engaged in. And although we all try hard to forgive ourselves and move along, don't you ever find yourself not listening?

Everything has changed, it was going to change but now I contemplate whether I like this change or not. If he might have chose differently, I might not have been in your life. Either way, it's too late to take back yesterday. Only the second month of school and I've let my life spin out of hand. And to believe I had everything under control for two weeks...what a record for me. Great. I know I haven't blogged in forever, but I really believe that my passions have turned to motivation and I transferred all of my energies this Summer 2011 to work on myself as an individual. Then the bad timing crept right in and put all of the choices into my hands. At last, I think that I've found some contentment with life, feeling satisfied for a moment in time. But weeks later I realize that to be a romantic I have to fight for a cause.

Cause: N/A

Yes, I did just state that I do not have a cause to fight for. Seems terrible on the surface but this is no understatement. And although all of my daily horoscope findings are true these days it does not remove the fact that I fail to feel "happy". Of course this is coming from an unemotional, hormone-dysfunctional, psychoanalyzing human being. Never fulfilled and almost ungrateful, I continue my daily routines minus cardio (NTS: I mustmustmustmustmust get back into my gym routine).

So maybe fools rush in, but I've never given up on a challenge. Should i give up this time? Unfortunately no one can answer that question other than me, which makes me uneasy to let my guard down.

We build it all up, just to tear it all down...

Recollections of a Young Boy

Hello There:

A young boy once asked me "why would you want to be friends with me when I treat you so badly."

And do you know what I said....I said "because, just because." I have no other reason to be his friend besides comfort and satisfaction. Either you love me or leave me, but this time all that crossed my mind was maybe he's looking out for my best interests. This young boy is in no way compatible to my liking but he was good enough to satisfy my slight craving for acceptance over the years.

My recollection:
Ever so often we meet people that do good things for us, but this is rare. For me, I am typically the one doing something good for someone else. Maybe his harsh words saved me but it took some force on my part. The words sunk into my chest and tore me apart, once again racking my brain to comprehend his mood swing and sudden change of thought.

The throbbing of my head as I write this is frustrating but of course, I will continue. The destructive nature of his being continues to echo within my head, day by day. Now that it is all said and done, I can say that I smile everyday that is spent apart from him, indirectly. It's the fact that when you hold on for so long, you forget how to let go.

But I let go.

Resolution

Hello There,

It is the day after Valentine's Day. Happy NOT Valentine's Day? Nope, I actually dont mind it. I find that people become terribly worked up about it because...

a) they are lonely
b) they are depressed
c) they have some "story" behind why they dont
d) they find no emotion or lack understanding of the significance
e) one or MORE of the above

I had a great day to be honest. I have an interview tomorrow for a position as Marketing Manager that I really would love to have. But you all know me, always busy, so I am trying to cut down on extracurricular activities. Anyways, the reason for my blogging tonight at 12:30 am instead of prepping for my TWO exams is to vent a little hatred for girls, but only that naive and immature ones.

I honestly cannot wait to move out of residence. In my opinion the girls left out or that have moved out are the only mature girls on this floor. To be exact 10 plus me. They all include eachother and exclude me from all of the events. They can't even make excuses about me not coming around because none of them ever text me to hang out or do anything and now their like this cult or sisterhood of some sort. Thank god I've got my two favs on the floor below. On top of excluding me they all pick sides. To believe they beg to differ that there are THREE sides to every story: your side, my side and the truth. Apparently that does not matter cause they only see what they want from the details.

And oh so recently the lovely boy from way back in the day decides to disown me from his life using a bullshit story and some sympathy. I defend and protect one friend just to lose another for no reason what so ever. Terrible aint it? But what can you do, be cool and carry on.

There was some time pauses between the completion of this piece. I decided to hang our with my lovely Lamneia and we grabbed some pizza at 1:53 am, 7 minutes before the closing. Honestly I know I call many people my friend for courteous reasons, but I know who my true friends off. If I had to list them off it would not exceed my hands and toes! Bestfriends? I can say that Mar is because it's been 10 years and going strong. Other than that it is me, myself and I, with a dose of my cute parents and God.

I cannot wait for reading week. That will definitely be the best week ever considering the ongoing bitch movements on this floor. I really need to make some friends outside of this box. I have a few people in mind, I guess I have to see how it goes. Giving people one too many chances to redeem themselves seemed like the good samarian but now I just feel like a fool.

Things are getting old, I need some positive resolution.

One Night In October

3:15 am, Sunday Night. Yes, I have lectures starting from 9:30 am which leaves me with little or no sleep unless I get you off my mind officially.

Now it has been said because that if you love something you've got to let it go. And if it comes back then it means so much more. But if it doesn't at least you will know, that it was something you had to go through to grow.



I think I've grown alot. So tell me why you haven't come back yet? Tell me why time has pasted us by and still it is you versus me. Me versus them. No us. I refuse to be the one to intiate the start all over again, but all I wanted was to be friends. This is the difficulty found in people like me (a rare case).

The advice giver is begging for advice. Is it true love or obsession? Annoyance or attachment? First or last? It is really how things have always been. Betrayal is never forgiven is it? Letting go never becomes easy until you have truly LET GO. But me, I seem to dwell on the past occasionally.

I can't help the feelings when I remember the past. So long ago when I was lied to and led on for nothing. Companionship and sexual favour is what I tell myself, though he attempts to convince me that there was more than lust in those eyes. Yet, he cannot sincerely ask me how life has panned out. Yet, he cannot text me in front of anyone but only behind close doors with eyes shut. Yet, he allows me to go unnoticed for everything I have done. For everything I have not done...

So as I lay awake tonight I know I will wish for things to change. I know I will plan to let go of you once again. I know I will shed a tear because I am helpless, fearful and dependent. But listen here, I do this for me. Why? Because I need to help myself before I can help someone else. And as much as I can read people and predict everything that crosses your path, I'd like to wake up each morning knowing that I am me again, and not that thing you turned me into so many months ago.

two years two months and tweleve days ago.

Evolution

One day, you'll find someone worth walking on.

Great start to 2011, well maybe with a bit of irony. We all do it, make those new years resolution, keeps some, break some and then there are those that we follow ever so often.

New Years Resolutions 2011:

1. stop drinking beer
2. focus all of my energy and attention to school
3. only socialize/go out once a month
4. let go of something(s) or someone(s) from my past

In a week I've broken 3 of these resolution. By the end of January I'll have nothing to balance off of.

It's the sweetest sin when someone you truly care about but need to walk away from wisps you right back into their life for a second of companionship. Make an offer and you'll get a deal but this weekend I found out that the deal was more or less of a scam. Besides my "i told you so mentality" friends I had to deal with a live interaction with the one person I said I'd walk away from this year. The one person I'd reject and ignore and disown forever. The one person that did things to do them and took them back when he had regrets. He was the one.

A million miles later him + 5 arrive at my door and I was in for the biggest surprise of my life. No kindness, just humilation. And to believe I went out of my way to get him the best for his birthday. No hard feelings though, the cake tasted better without his poisonous touch attacking it first. After a while of nothing he just up and left, and walk right through the door. Why come here? Why ask? What are your attentions? Cause right about now I'd like to know why I always have to be the topic of advantage. Following the most unsuccessful dorm party (thanks to a bitching/lying/jealous don) he insisted on returning to see my friends, just not me. And again, back he goes into the life of someone else. Plan Executed.

Kicking and pleading can't save your soul from the devil. You can yell and shout but anger doesnt calm the weak heart. And most of all, as much as you can be truthful to someone remember there is always a lie in between; and that's the hardest thing to see.

I can finally say we're through. There is no significant relationship between me and him. No evidence to be found and no alibi to support mine. Only me versus him, and he has always been in power. The embarassment of last night having to reveal all that I thought and hearing nothing that I knew. He was ashamed but couldnt say it. Underneath it all I will never look at someone like him again.

Time and time again the best advice comes from those who have no way of judging. Last night it came from the temptation. Taking advantage of my alone time I got deeper and deeper into the truth, no longer blaming him but blaming myself. Believe it or not, I was the charity case and he threw all love away then passed it to someone new. To imagine, he never breath my name, never spoke of me for all of those years. All I am is nothing.

Some take revenge. It could have been the sweetest kind last night, which is typically expected of me. But I held my position and turned a blind eye to the physical attraction laying beside me.

Regrets: believing the lies. "we only say those things to be nice"

Thoughts: letting go of someone only becomes a difficult task when you have lost your confidence. when you lose that, you lose a major part of your life.

Comments: love is something that people signify through committment. not through lust or sexual encounters, that's infatuation. when you love someone (or at least think you do) let them know and if they walk away from you then walk right past them. when you hurt someone, be sincere and earn forgiveness because lies create regret. never say things to please anyone and most of all never let anyone make you change yourself in order for them to earn security. they're only using you.