Perfect Grounds
It was exactly 3:36 am when I realized how much things can change in a year. Exactly 3:36 am when Ryan was dj-ing and I was hazly singing "rock me tonight for old time sake." Exactly 3:36 am when I remember last year's valentines and how I thought things could never become any better than they were.
Exactly 3:36 am when I asked myself when will I stop blaming everyone but myself.
It's funny how music makes you think. It's even funnier how you can have a deeper connection to certain songs on certain days, especially Valentine's. Sometimes you meet the wrong people, who end up being the perfect people to change you. And after a while you end up discovering how capable these people are of connecting with you, despite their efforts to hide the truth from everyone around you; except for you. It's like a game really, but not a really bad one that can break your heart. More like a game of risk. When hes giving advice to your friends that can possibly relate to your situation; do you take it? When hes pretending to be someone else just to hear what you say and you know what hes doing; do you tell him what he wants to hear? When hes yearning for your attention and using someone else to get it; do you give it?
It's a risk. whether you take that risk is your own device. Whether I take that risk is a mind-boggling phenomenom. It's been so long that sometimes I forget all the bad between me and him. Like that all didn't matter now that he's gone. Like i should have fought for who I wanted; but I did? I did. I must have. And a year later this is me. And that is him.
Inevitably I know its done. And I know I just dont feel the same. But for a second chance (or the 436 chance) would I take it?
I feel like I lived a dream. Since this is another year and another recap of the same events, only I can watch this time from the sidelines as he plays with another perfect heart. And he's alone. No replacement. No other to call his own. But he's warm and I feel it coming closer, his to be whole again. Out of one of my dreams, he's a mixture of myth and fantasy.
Exactly 3:36 am when I asked myself when will I stop blaming everyone but myself.
It's funny how music makes you think. It's even funnier how you can have a deeper connection to certain songs on certain days, especially Valentine's. Sometimes you meet the wrong people, who end up being the perfect people to change you. And after a while you end up discovering how capable these people are of connecting with you, despite their efforts to hide the truth from everyone around you; except for you. It's like a game really, but not a really bad one that can break your heart. More like a game of risk. When hes giving advice to your friends that can possibly relate to your situation; do you take it? When hes pretending to be someone else just to hear what you say and you know what hes doing; do you tell him what he wants to hear? When hes yearning for your attention and using someone else to get it; do you give it?
It's a risk. whether you take that risk is your own device. Whether I take that risk is a mind-boggling phenomenom. It's been so long that sometimes I forget all the bad between me and him. Like that all didn't matter now that he's gone. Like i should have fought for who I wanted; but I did? I did. I must have. And a year later this is me. And that is him.
Inevitably I know its done. And I know I just dont feel the same. But for a second chance (or the 436 chance) would I take it?
I feel like I lived a dream. Since this is another year and another recap of the same events, only I can watch this time from the sidelines as he plays with another perfect heart. And he's alone. No replacement. No other to call his own. But he's warm and I feel it coming closer, his to be whole again. Out of one of my dreams, he's a mixture of myth and fantasy.
Baby if you're not real, how can you rescue me on perfect grounds.
posted by xoxo αmαryllis at
9:20 AM
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