The Exception

WOW , closing another chapter of my life once again. Another unsuccessful- yet full of accomplishments- chapter. As lame as it sounds, i have ended up in the same situation as i was a year ago (just about a year now, cause of course exams are nearing). And no, the trauma still exists and i am slowly stepping out of the phase where i feel that my life revolved around his l-o-v-e. I would never write about love, if it didnt exist and here i sit writting about the possibility. What if you could fall in love in two weeks? Would it be difficult to walk away from it if you know deep in your soul, that love could never survive? So i think i found love in two weeks, dramatic passionate breath-taking love, but i swore to myself that i would be content with myself, and only myself. The exception is him, was him at least. How can you allow it to stay alive, let that flame continue to burn when you know it is bound to end. I have no grip on reality because in front of me stands the only "love" i ever knew, the one person who i thought i knew but clearly left me for his "only exception."

I believe in love and i believe in lust, but i just cant find the line in between that separates the two and binds us together. I feel foolish, without a doubt, that i allowed myself to feel this way again. Stupid is more harsh, demanding myself to feel disgusted at the fact that i feel for someone who inevitably longed for me. So i turned a blind eye and pretended to be in for only the lust, when he was my only exception. My first everything, first taste of preferential treatment. I felt honoured and appreciated, yet he did it all with a straight face as though every complication didnt exist. If i always lived like this, i would know how to avoid this feeling and keep a distance; but all im used to is being second best or far from first.

A year later, and i am still me only emotionally charged with resentment and regret. You win some and i definately lost many. Looking back at these last few years, i definately would have done things differently if i had the chance. I would have observed more than experimented and tried to see more than what was right in front of me. I would have taken advantage of every opportunity given to me and never give anything up for anyone else because in reality, everyone was for themself. I would have focused on my goals, rather than focusing on my insecurities. To say what you mean, what you think and how you feel is the key to success, no more riddles or mind games. And i sure as hell would have listened to my mother. As funny as it sounds, mama knows best (seriously). I gave up everything for nothing, essentially i gave up my pride. I lowered my standards and as of yesterday i have made a promise to myself to resist the temptation to ever let myself go that far out of line.

So yes, i have done everything that i wanted to do in high school. Ive fallen in and out of love. I have made many friends and seen some turn into my enemies. I have experimented with all of the "bad things" in life and seen the side-effects of each action. Most of all i have learned who i was, who i am and who i want to be. That makes me feel good.