Don't Dream, It's Over
Tomorrow, the last day of high school. But does it really all end there?
Luckily no. But only if I allow this to continue and I really cant imagine it going to stop. See I am hooked beyond belief, but in reality I cant see past his subtle smile that brightens my glare. I dont know what's holding me back anymore. Maybe its the thought of the extras in his life, or the notion that in 2 months I move away for four years. Either way, I know he's a keeper, of my heart is what we'll find out.
See, I have a lot on my mind lately and I kinda messed up. But i have no guilt, that is until my sorta ex-bestfriend who is still my friend told me she saw him yesterday with someone else. Of course a couple people come to mind, but that definately isnt a good thing that a couple people, not one specifically, come to mind. So I'm stuck wondering if he was a liar after all. And maybe he really never meant a single word he said. But what was the prize in the end? I just dont get it...what could I provide someone if they never even wanted anything. Or are they as sly and conning as my own mindset. Help me, yeah I'm alive but I'm dying inside. I cant keep wondering and wondering, I honestly just wanna move forward. And with intentions of getting a job, I have slowly failed completely. Im threading water on a few options, but maybe this teaches me a lesson not to be too picky in life (at least not when it comes to summer employment, its temporary unlike lovers and friends). Sometimes I think that for the slightest second, he wants me the same way I want him. And sometimes for the slightest second I feel that when he looks at me, he can see right through me and knows that its him I'm urging for. Hmm, if only he could read minds, this would be simplier.
AND FOR SOME REASON, I feel like I'm in friend zone or maybe even in big sister/mother zone, which completely freaks me out. Yeah I care about you, but you know what I'm thinking about at the end of the day...Like really I am "not that innocent." I guess I expect too much for him, or too little? And no, this is no cling, it's perfectly normal to wonder what is up when there is no lust or love, just in between loafting. So I know a couple more things about him that can slowly put me in the lead role, but to use that to my advantage, I just dont know. if hes afraid of being alone, I can guarantee that wont happen this summer, but then again i cant make promises if he wont even allow me to try. It's like hes scared, not of being alone but, of being with me. Really people I get that i have a past, but I'm not a monster. And yes my "male-penis- mentality" does kick in every now and then, but that's a win/win situation for everyone. I think that tomorrow, I will let him know all of my thoughts. This may just be the last time forever, it's over.
If there was a screenplay for our encounters, I know this part would be the intermission
Luckily no. But only if I allow this to continue and I really cant imagine it going to stop. See I am hooked beyond belief, but in reality I cant see past his subtle smile that brightens my glare. I dont know what's holding me back anymore. Maybe its the thought of the extras in his life, or the notion that in 2 months I move away for four years. Either way, I know he's a keeper, of my heart is what we'll find out.
See, I have a lot on my mind lately and I kinda messed up. But i have no guilt, that is until my sorta ex-bestfriend who is still my friend told me she saw him yesterday with someone else. Of course a couple people come to mind, but that definately isnt a good thing that a couple people, not one specifically, come to mind. So I'm stuck wondering if he was a liar after all. And maybe he really never meant a single word he said. But what was the prize in the end? I just dont get it...what could I provide someone if they never even wanted anything. Or are they as sly and conning as my own mindset. Help me, yeah I'm alive but I'm dying inside. I cant keep wondering and wondering, I honestly just wanna move forward. And with intentions of getting a job, I have slowly failed completely. Im threading water on a few options, but maybe this teaches me a lesson not to be too picky in life (at least not when it comes to summer employment, its temporary unlike lovers and friends). Sometimes I think that for the slightest second, he wants me the same way I want him. And sometimes for the slightest second I feel that when he looks at me, he can see right through me and knows that its him I'm urging for. Hmm, if only he could read minds, this would be simplier.
AND FOR SOME REASON, I feel like I'm in friend zone or maybe even in big sister/mother zone, which completely freaks me out. Yeah I care about you, but you know what I'm thinking about at the end of the day...Like really I am "not that innocent." I guess I expect too much for him, or too little? And no, this is no cling, it's perfectly normal to wonder what is up when there is no lust or love, just in between loafting. So I know a couple more things about him that can slowly put me in the lead role, but to use that to my advantage, I just dont know. if hes afraid of being alone, I can guarantee that wont happen this summer, but then again i cant make promises if he wont even allow me to try. It's like hes scared, not of being alone but, of being with me. Really people I get that i have a past, but I'm not a monster. And yes my "male-penis- mentality" does kick in every now and then, but that's a win/win situation for everyone. I think that tomorrow, I will let him know all of my thoughts. This may just be the last time forever, it's over.
If there was a screenplay for our encounters, I know this part would be the intermission
posted by xoxo αmαryllis at
5:27 PM
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